Oh, This Is The Start Of Something Hard

          So in my last post I revealed my starting weight and how excited I was to start this new leg of my life-long journey. I weighed in at 307.6 lbs. Usually the first week of any new diet I tend to lose a good chunk (mostly water and sugars) and it helps motivate and propel me forward. This time was different. When I weighed in the following Tuesday I had gained 2 lbs. GAINED . To be fair and honest, I was totally off plan Saturday and Sunday, but to gain two pounds would have meant that I lost, say, 3lbs and really gained 5 in two days??? That just doesn't make sense. I was so disappointed Tuesday, it was difficult to stick to it, and I have been having trouble ever since. I did weigh in again last Saturday, informally, and weighed 306.something. So my hope is that perhaps something weird was going on in my body related to my cycle and now I will go back to losing? maybe? Eating well all the time is hard. It takes a lot of planning and effort, which I don't like having to do. haha. But I also know that in the looong run it is so important.
          Recently I have been thinking about sin. Well, I am always thinking about sin. But, recently I have been thinking about sin specific to me and to my weight and to my struggles. I can admit that I have two MAIN struggles that lead me into mortal sin- LUST and GLUTTONY. So often, sometimes daily, I find myself in the throes of sin and I do my best to struggle and overcome it. I beg God for His mercy and His help, but yet there is that little part of me that knows I will sin again. We are all broken people. We are all sinners. But God also tells us that we can overcome it, with His grace and with practice, we CAN overcome it. The main question is, do we even want to?
          If I am speaking honestly, and you can assume I will always do my best to speak honestly on this blog, there are times when I don't want to overcome my sin. There is a comfort in the sin. There is a comfort in eating far too much food. There is comfort in committing impure acts. In both cases it is a matter of pretending you are not alone- feeling like something fills you up and satisfies you. But both of these things do not full you up. They do not fill me up. They leave me feeling empty and separated from God. I know in my heart that the only way to truly be satisfied to to be filled up with God. As St. Augustine says "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." And yet- I can't give it up.
          This week the St. Anne cluster of parishes is hosting a retreat with seminars on "detaching with love". Fr. Emmerich Vogt, a Benedictine Priest and wonderful speaker, is giving the talks at St. Mary's in Baltic and St. Joseph's in Occum. The main idea is to learn to trust God in a way that we see that by dying to our selves and taking up our crosses we can find true freedom in Him. Fr. Emmerich says that many people don't give up their misery because they are afraid they will be miserable. I know that is true for me. I hate sinning and offending God, but my body is wired in such a way that I like to sin and in a way I am afraid that being pure will be boring and miserable. In my heart I know I am far better with God and that earthly pleasure is nothing compared to eternity with Him. And yet I cannot break these chains. Instead, I cling to them. I cuddle with them. How am I, a woman who wants so badly to be close to God consistently and not as erratically as I am now, able to overcome this? I hope Fr. Emmerich will teach us just that in the next couple of days.
          I know that not one actually reads this blog, and really even this is a self indulgence- but if someone DOES read this blog- please pray for me?

Oh, This Is The Start Of Something Good

          I mentioned in one of my recent posts the importance of using the 21 day fix as a tool and not an actual fix. 21 days will not fix my life long habits and addictions, but it is certainly a start.
I began the program Tuesday and so far I love it! To be fair, I am not following it exactly 100% because I don't think I could do that for looong periods of time, so I am doing a slightly modified version. Really, the only thing that is different is that I use butter now and then on my winter squashes. :-) Also, by doing a modified version I had a non-scale victory when I went to MOE's for dinner (instead of eating at the bar I play trivia at that had no "healthy" choices) and ordered a Joey Jr on a whole wheat tortilla with extra chicken, LOTS of pico, a little shredded cheese and sour cream. While I wasn't able to figure out exactly how to count it, I know I got in a nice amount of protein, the tortilla probably counted as two yellow (carb) containers and I tried to get my veggies in with the pico. It was delicious and was a MUCH better choice than I would have made before starting this program.
          What I love about the program is that it is teaching me the proper portions and the propers amount of what to eat throughout the day. I haven't been able to get in the right amount of veggies yet- but I am working on it. :-) Thats sort of the whole point here- I could be eating all of the terrible stuff I was before and go an entire week without eating any veggies, or I can follow their plan to the best of my abilities and get full on fruits and veggies and lean proteins and yogurt and protein shakes.
          The other part of their program that I have modified is the fitness portion. The 21 Day Fix comes with 6 work outs on dvds for you to do everyday of the 21 days (one work out a day, rotated). I have decided that for me it is best to focus on the food first, so this first week all I am doing just that. Next week I will introduce a fitness program. I am interested to try out the dvds, although I am a little nervous! I actually have a goal next year of participating in a walking pilgramage (I will write more about that at a future date) so my training program will focused around getting in shape for that.
          Now for my starting weight-
          On Tuesday September 25th, 2014 I weighed in a stagering 307.6 pounds. This is still nearly 30 pounds less than my highest weight ever of 336, but I had hoped to never climb over 300 again once I did Ideal Protein. I am hoping for a big loss in the first week as I drop all those extra sugars and water that my body holds onto while I am binge eating terrible foods, but I also want to keep it in perspective. If It isn't a huge loss, that's okay. The point is I am making better choices for my body and in long run I will be much better off.
          This weekend my sister and I are hosting a ladies night at our house and you can bet  I will not be on plan for that, although I will probably eat light early in the day so that I can eat more of the heavy foods in the evening. Also, this is not something that happens all the time, so it isn't a temptaion that will pop up every week or several times a week. It is one of those things that when it comes up, I am going to enjoy the fatty, salty, sweet deliciousness that is before me, and then sunday I eat clean again.    :-)
                   On a much more somber note- I ask that anyone who reads this says a prayer for two members of the clergy in our diocese and their families. Deacon James Delaney passed away September 25th, may he rest in peace. Also, Father Nick Mukama Mboga's mother is gravely ill all the way in the African country from which Fr. Nick hails. (Forgive me for not knowing exactly where he is from.) It is my understanding that he will be taking a leave of abscense to be with his family durring this difficult time. Please pray for Fr. Nick, his mother, and all of his family, that God may grant them the grace to accept His will and healing for their hearts.

Getting To Know God

Recently on The Catholic Guy podcast (#181) a wise seminarian said something to the effect of "If you were trying to get to know your future spouse and you only spent one hour once a week with them, you wouldn't get to know them on a very deep level. The same is true for God." If we only go to church on Sunday, but we don't delve into the Scripture or we don't go to Adoration or confession or any number of the wonderful ways in which we can connect with Our Lord, how will we ever get to know Him?
In the last few weeks I have been feeling distant from Him. I try to go to mass as often as I can, but the reality is that I rush to get there, we go through the mass and then I have to leave right away. You can kiss your spouse every day, but if you don't talk to them, that isn't much of a marriage, is it? And sure, I can talk to Jesus all day long throughout the day, but there is a difference (at least for me) when I am in His presence.
I need to be with him more.
I complain now and then that our diocese doesn't do enough to help the parishioners form their relationship with Christ. One of these things is that while many parishes hold Eucharistic Adoration every Friday (some only on the first Friday), it is usually during the day when  most people are working. It is obvious from mass attendance and attendance of these activities that many older, retired people are still active in The Church, but how can we get our young people to form a relationship with Him when we make it so difficult for them to participate? The same goes for Confession. Don't even get me started on the need for more confessional availability. In the end though I know that it comes down to us- the laity. WE ARE THE CHURCH. If we see a need, we need to somehow fill it. So, for me that means I have to seek out these things for myself. I am very blessed that in our diocese we have the Franciscan Friars of The Immaculate who hold perpetual Adoration in their chapel.

Often when I say to myself "I wish we had Adoration more often!" that little voice in my heart says "The Franciscans..." and I say "But it's so out of the way!" and then that little voice chastises me and says "Is Jesus ever actually too out of the way?!" And it's true. SO. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to go to mass as often as possible, but also to get up to Griswold and sit with Jesus at least once a week. Date night, I think I'll call it. ;-)

GGOOOOOAAALLLLLLS

Goals.
We can talk about what we want to do in this life all we want, but unless we set specific goals and create a plan with which to reach them, we will never achieve them.

I mentioned in my post 1 Corinthians 6:19 some of my goals which include running a mile, climbing a mountain and eventually wearing my goal jeans, which are a size 16. The issue is, how will I do it? I can talk all day about how all I need to do is watch what I eat and track it and with calories in versus calories out, and I will lose weight. That is all true, but I also need something specific. A specific plan. So, with the help of my cousin, who happens to be a coach for Beach Body, I have decided to do the 21 Day Fix with Shakeology.

Since doing Ideal Protein I am well versed in how to be creative with veggies to make really
delicious meals without refined sugars. This is a skill I had hoped to keep regularly implemented in my life, but was pushed aside for the delicious but deadly and addicting too-many-carbs, too-much-fat, overly-chemically-preserved and generally terrible for you, fast foods. I know, and I have said time and time again, that I need to get away from that junk and get strict with only eating whole foods. At the same time, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet that I can't enjoy a cookie or a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine. My issue is that it will not be ONE cookie, or ONE piece of chocolate or ONE glass of wine. The 21 Day Fix is just the tool I need to remind me of healthy eating practices, perfect portions for what my body needs, and to remind me how to be creative in order to get what you want. With the 21 Day Fix I can have chocolate chip oatmeal for breakfast, so long as the ingredients fit in the proper containers and I am using dark chocolate. If you want to learn more about the 21 Day Fix you can check out THIS review (it might be sponsored, but it's very helpful) can give you a really great overview of the program.

You can be sure what once I get all of the stuff and start the program I will also give you my honest opinion about it! Usually the program is $80 and one month's worth of Shakeology is $130, but in the month of September they are having a promotion where you get the program AND the month of Shakeology for $140, so basically the 21 Day Fix is $10. It comes with their workbooks, eating plans, containers AND 6 workout DVDs. That's a pretty sweet deal.

I feel like I should reiterate that I think the 21 Day Fix is an awesome tool to help me get more organized and back in the habit of healthy, balanced eating. It is not an actual fix. What it is, is an awesome stepping stone to lead me from one bank of a turbulent river to the other. From death to life. In just the same way that Ideal Protein was an amazing blessing in my life at the time, in the end it was up to me to continue eating well and exercising and my lack of continued discipline is what allowed me to get so lost. The 21 Day Fix will help me to get back in routine, and hopefully, with the grace of God, I have learned my lesson and won't waste this opportunity to change my life for good.

My other goal, as I have mentioned in the last few posts, is to seek out the man that God intends to be my spouse. I definitely feel Him pulling me in a particular direction to find him, but to hedge my bets I am also officially signing up for Match.com. I already have a profile and some pictures up, but later in the month my sister and I are hosting a ladies night with our friends so that THEY can write our profiles. It's always better for our friends to help us with these things as they tend to see our good and can more easily articulate them than we can about ourselves.

Stephie needs adventure. This is where I start.

Dear St. Anthony, I Think My Husband Is Lost.....

Nearly all Catholics, and even many non-Catholics, know of St. Anthony and his amazing skill at helping us find lost things.

Tony, Tony,

look around.
Something's lost
and must be found!

In my case the lost thing is my husband. Oh where, of where for art thou Romeo? Perhaps Anthony can help me find him? One of my Tumblr friends, Marial, suggested we do a novena to the saint asking for his assistance. This is something that I have been contemplating for several weeks, so I took her suggestion as the little push I needed to go ahead and do it.
There are many, many saints that we single Catholics can go to for guidance and friendship in prayer regarding finding the right spouse. Of course, my go-to (and everyone's, I think) is Jesus. He tells me, and I feel it in my heart, that ultimately He is my husband. He loves me more and better than any human man could love me, and He is an excellent provider. But knowing my heart, He also knows how badly I want a lifelong male companion to share life's joys and sorrows with. To share marital bonds and embraces with. To create and raise children with. These are things that He cannot do for me, but He tells me He has someone in mind. Who, He will not say!
Other than going directly to Our Lord, we can also look to St. Joseph, Mary's "most chaste spouse" to pray and make suggestions of good and worthy men or women on our behalf. Or Our Holy Mother, Herself. Every mother wants to see her children married off to good and holy people! Or St. Rafael, who is credited with bringing Tobias and Sarah together at God's command.
We tend to ask our friends and family if they know anyone who might be good for us, so too should we ask our friends and family in heaven!

My main goal through this novena is to ask for St. Anthony's help in prayer, but also to listen to him and to God as they direct my way.
What does He need me to do in order to get from point A to point B?
And how am I supposed to do it?

Maybe it's not my husband who is lost... maybe it's me?

Finding Love Is A Great Adventure

A great adventure that I am so, so scared of.

In September of 2011 I posted the following "note" to Facebook:

Society makes me mad and the Biggest Loser made me notice it.

Today Stop and Shop was crawling with hotties. Especially this one in particular who was wearing a Red Sox hat and a "man sweater". I would have married him right there in the aisle. But alas, I didn't say a word. And to be fair in my peripheral vision I thought he was an old man, but as he was walking away I noticed his beauty. I fantasized about how I would tell him I like his Man Sweater and he would look at me strange, but smile. He would find something interesting about my quirkiness and go out on a limb to ask me out. After all, he's been lonely lately and is over the bar scene, so why not spend a couple hours with the big girl he met at the grocery store. what could it hurt.

But anxieties being what they are I would have never said a word to him. Even if he noticed me, he might not have said anything either.
On the biggest loser tonight there is a 24 year old girl who said something along the lines of "I can't be in love at this weight". and a 26 year old guy who said he can't have adult relationships because of his weight. What is wrong with us?
The girl is a pretty girl. and sure, she's fat, but she not disgusting. There are men out there who could love her. And the guy- he's big. He's nearly 400lbs. But he's cute. and from what I've seen he's cool. So why wouldn't a girl want to be in a relationship with him?
Here I am, knowing that I'm in the same boat as them. But the thing is, if a guy was interested in me/ her, or a girl in him then they should ask me(her/him) out! and I should do the same. Why are we so terrified of rejection? What does it matter in the long run if bobbyjoe says no? it doesn't. If anything (hopefully) it makes us stronger.
I should know better.
When you like someone and you want to see where it goes, you can't wait. Because tomorrow might not come. and you can't wonder forever what might have been if you had been brave/funny/skinny. You are YOU. and someone who is worthy of you will LOVE YOU. But you might face a little rejection as you figure out who is worthy of you. The same goes for the handsome guys who have nothing to lose by asking me/her out. Take a chance on us. you never know.
P.S. Maybe you handsome/pretty people suffer from low self-esteem too, so you think we will say no. we might. try anyway. ;-)

It's been three years since that post, and yet just the other day this conversation happened on facebook with my friend (and creator of Ordinary) Timothy Quigley:

Steph:  Super hot guy in stop & shop. I mean, what's a girl to do? "I see your looking at the pasta, I like pasta...." or "hey. I like your beard." or perhaps just walk away. Yea... prob option 3

Tim: Just say hello and introduce yourself. We don't mind

Steph: Really? Like in TOTAL honestly, if a girl was standing in the same aisle as you and introduced herself you wouldn't think that was strange? (if you weren't married) and then what? What do people standing in the aisle talk about? What if he's like "look girl I'm just trying to buy some sketties. Get off my balls."??

Tim: I'll have a conversation with anyone. Granted not all guys are like me and when I can tell a girl feels awkward I do my best to make up for it and make her feel comfortable. Even now that I'm married, I figure it's always good to be polite and treat a lady as a person who matters, even if we're never going to see each other again.
and if the guy did respond like you said, that answers the question in the back of your mind whether he's a good dude.

Steph: haha true

Tim: break the conventions; keep the commandments. As long as your are not doing anything immoral, favor the bold option.

I am looking for adventure. Am I not?
My friend Tim is right.

Break the conventions; keep the commandments.   

As long as your are not doing anything immoral,  

favor the bold option.

My biggest obstacle with this is overcoming my own insecurities. How do I do that? How do I accept that many men will not want to date me because of my weight, but at the same time accept that those are not the kind of men that God wants me to date? How do I actually believe that good men, the kind of men I want to date could even possibly be interested in me? How do I put myself out there and accept rejection with a smile on my face and a prayer for the other person on my heart?

Again and again and again it comes down to what my friends tell me. 

Be bold.
Be not afraid.

1 Corinthians 6:19

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of

the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from

God, and that you are not your own?"

In January of 2013 I felt stuck. Stuck in the endless cycle of addiction, shame, and low-self worth- all of which I tried to self medicate with that which I was addicted to.
Food.
I should say AM addicted to.
In January of 2013 I could barely walk without pain. My blood pressure was through the roof. I lost my breath halfway up the stairs. I was depressed. I was lost. I cried out to God for help and he responded in the quiet of my heart with a simple Go to mass. Really? Go to mass? How could that possibly help? Go to mass he continued to insist. The following Sunday I made excuses as to why I couldn't make it on time- mostly simply by lying in my bed and watching the time pass. Once it was clear that I was going to miss the final morning mass I got out of bed and began my day. Go to mass rang in the back of my mind all day as I was reminded that there was a 5PM mass at our Cathedral. As the day went on I knew I had to follow His instruction and so I went.
"Lord, I am lost. I am stuck. I can barely breath. I need help! Please help me!" I prayed over and over.
The following week three different people mentioned to me a weight loss product they were using and having amazing results with- Ideal Protein.
I had done some research on IP many months before and had decided that it was far too expensive for my budget (budget nerd!). Now that it popped up again, I decided to give it a second look. Lo and behold! Somehow it all seemed to fit. Yes- it was still extremely expensive, but somehow it fit. I went back to Church the following Sunday to pray about it some more and to thank God for the opportunity.
February 2013 I began a new leg of my ever-ongoing weight loss journey, this time using Ideal Protein. I weighed in a 336.6 lbs. I was a size 22 and spilling over all of my clothes. I should have been wearing a 24. Over the course of the next 7 months I followed the program, relying not on my own strength, but God's to get me through and I lost over 75lbs. You can watch my transformation HERE if you are interested. :-)
But now what. Now where am I, now that is has been a year since the glory days of squeezing into a size 16?

 Here are the before-and-afters from IP- 75lbs difference:

Here is me in the same size outfit today:

Size 18 jeans, size XL t-shirt.

Yea... about that....
So now what?

What do I do now that I have, seemingly, wasted this opportunity that God gave me?

Try, try again.

Does my failure to keep the weight off make me any less a child of God, a bride of Christ? Nope.

True failure is not found in he who falls, but he who chooses to not get back up.
So I will put it in His hands. And I will ask Our Mother, Undoer of knots to pray for me. And I will be a budget nerd. :-)
Calories in vs. calories out.
I will also make goals- some weight goals to help mark progress, but mostly physical goals. Can I run a half mile? Can I run a WHOLE mile??? can I climb a mountain? Can I fit in those size 18 jeans again? Can if squeeze back into the 16s?!?! The weight needs to come off to accomplish these things, but more importantly, I want to eat better and exercise more forever, not just until I reach a certain goal. If you would like, you are more than welcome to add me on MyFitnessPal Stephieneedsadventure
Since that first whisper to Go to mass I am glad to say I haven't missed a Sunday since. I actually try to go to mass everyday when I can. This sort of hunger for God is the kind of hunger I need for a better lifestyle. It will be hard. I wont love every second of it, haha. But it will be worth it.
Adventure starts at home.
and in the gym.
and in the kitchen.

Stephie Needs Adventure

Yes. Yes She does.
I struggle between trying to confirm to societal standards and being a free spirit.
I'm weird. Its probably better that I embrace it and live the most amazing weird life ever.
Other Twenty-somethings can judge me from their shabby apartment that they struggle to keep the lights on while I explore the world and praise God and eat amazing food.
"What the heck is she even talking about?" you may ask. Let me tell you:

Guten Tag, my name is Stephanie Gromko and I am in need of an adventure.

I am twenty eight years old; I am single; I have a full time job; I am a devout Catholic. By most standards, I am a competent and well adjusted adult. However, I live with my parents. This fact has been a thorn in my side, a source of shame and regret. I feel, and many other people have expressed that they feel, that in order for me to qualify as a "grown-ass-woman" I need to move out of my parents house and get an apartment. I also feel this way, which is why my need for adventure is such a struggle. When I was 22 years old I had the chance to move out and live in a beautiful three bedroom duplex with one of my best friends for four whole months, but then I made some *disastrous* financial mistakes that landed me back at mom and dad's and I have been climbing out of that money pit for the last 6 years. Now I am finally at a point where I am financially stable enough to move out again and join the "real world". Here is my dilemma- I seek adventure in the great wide somewhere... somewhere being Europe.

I am a budget nerd. I love to budget! Being a budget nerd is what helped me get out of my mess. It is also how I know I could move out right now and be just fine. BUT it is ALSO how I know that if I move out right now, I will never save enough money to go to Europe. My current budget leaves me with anywhere between $30 to $200 extra for savings each month, depending on whether I get overtime hours. Generally speaking, it is better to assume I will not be able to save any more than $50 a month. At that rate it will take me over 6 years to save the four thousand dollars the trip will cost. I pray to God that within six years I am married and starting a family, and so the dream of taking off to Europe for three weeks will have gone out the window as my priorities change from eating pierogi in Krakow and attending mass in Rome to buying diapers and saving for college. However, if I postpone moving out for just eight months, I can save seven thousand dollars. Four thousand will be used for the trip of a lifetime, and three thousand will be used to start my new "grown-ass-woman" life.

In November I will celebrate my 29th birthday- the beginning of the thirtieth year of my life- and I had certainly hoped to be out on my own by then, but now I ponder how much regret I will have if I don't take this trip. Will I regret eight more months at home? Probably not. I am sure it will go by in the blink of an eye. Will I regret moving out just to prove something to people whom I actually have nothing to prove? Yes. But- do I have something to prove to myself? Yes. I must prove to myself that I am my own person. I am God's person, and my life does not need to be lived by anyone's standards but His. We are given this one life. We are called to love Him and each other. and we are called time and time and time again to BE NOT AFRAID. So, what am I afraid of? That people will say unkind things about me while I live the most amazing and blessed life that God could give me? I am not talking about mooching off of my parents for the rest of my earthly life- I am talking about eight months to fulfill a dream.

I think I'm going to do it.

I'm going to Europe.