So in my last post I revealed my starting weight and how excited I was to start this new leg of my life-long journey. I weighed in at 307.6 lbs. Usually the first week of any new diet I tend to lose a good chunk (mostly water and sugars) and it helps motivate and propel me forward. This time was different. When I weighed in the following Tuesday I had gained 2 lbs. GAINED . To be fair and honest, I was totally off plan Saturday and Sunday, but to gain two pounds would have meant that I lost, say, 3lbs and really gained 5 in two days??? That just doesn't make sense. I was so disappointed Tuesday, it was difficult to stick to it, and I have been having trouble ever since. I did weigh in again last Saturday, informally, and weighed 306.something. So my hope is that perhaps something weird was going on in my body related to my cycle and now I will go back to losing? maybe? Eating well all the time is hard. It takes a lot of planning and effort, which I don't like having to do. haha. But I also know that in the looong run it is so important.
Recently I have been thinking about sin. Well, I am always thinking about sin. But, recently I have been thinking about sin specific to me and to my weight and to my struggles. I can admit that I have two MAIN struggles that lead me into mortal sin- LUST and GLUTTONY. So often, sometimes daily, I find myself in the throes of sin and I do my best to struggle and overcome it. I beg God for His mercy and His help, but yet there is that little part of me that knows I will sin again. We are all broken people. We are all sinners. But God also tells us that we can overcome it, with His grace and with practice, we CAN overcome it. The main question is, do we even want to?
If I am speaking honestly, and you can assume I will always do my best to speak honestly on this blog, there are times when I don't want to overcome my sin. There is a comfort in the sin. There is a comfort in eating far too much food. There is comfort in committing impure acts. In both cases it is a matter of pretending you are not alone- feeling like something fills you up and satisfies you. But both of these things do not full you up. They do not fill me up. They leave me feeling empty and separated from God. I know in my heart that the only way to truly be satisfied to to be filled up with God. As St. Augustine says "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." And yet- I can't give it up.
This week the St. Anne cluster of parishes is hosting a retreat with seminars on "detaching with love". Fr. Emmerich Vogt, a Benedictine Priest and wonderful speaker, is giving the talks at St. Mary's in Baltic and St. Joseph's in Occum. The main idea is to learn to trust God in a way that we see that by dying to our selves and taking up our crosses we can find true freedom in Him. Fr. Emmerich says that many people don't give up their misery because they are afraid they will be miserable. I know that is true for me. I hate sinning and offending God, but my body is wired in such a way that I like to sin and in a way I am afraid that being pure will be boring and miserable. In my heart I know I am far better with God and that earthly pleasure is nothing compared to eternity with Him. And yet I cannot break these chains. Instead, I cling to them. I cuddle with them. How am I, a woman who wants so badly to be close to God consistently and not as erratically as I am now, able to overcome this? I hope Fr. Emmerich will teach us just that in the next couple of days.
I know that not one actually reads this blog, and really even this is a self indulgence- but if someone DOES read this blog- please pray for me?
