New Year, Same You

          The last time I updated this blog was October 8th.
oops.
So previously I was working on the 21 Day Fix eating and work out plan. That didn't happen.
          Most people in the new year begin weight loss resolutions. For me weight loss is a constant goal that cannot begin with a new year. It is eternally on-going. With my trip to Europe looming 5 short months away, the size of my pants causes fear for myself and my neighbor on that 12 hour plane ride.
12 hours to Rome.
on a bus for 5 days throughout Italy.
5 hours to Poland.
on a bus for 5 days throughout Poland.
3 hours to Germany.
12 hours to Boston.

          I want to lose weight to be healthy, sure, but I also want my butt to fit in the small European seats. I want to keep up with my guide as I hike through the Tatras. I want to feel like I am not the "fat American".

So I have a new plan.
          Chris Powell, best known for his show Extreme Weight Loss, has written books on diet and fitness and the diet plan he puts all of his super sized clients (like me) on is called "carb cycling". Carb cycling combines alternating days of low carb and high carb in order to keep your body in a fat burning stage. With most low carb Atkins-like diets, the body starves for carbs and while you might lose fat quickly you also lose a lot of muscle and your metabolism slows to a halt so that when they reintroduce carbs, most people gain the weight they lost back rapidly. With carb cycling, so Chris Powell says, a low carb day puts you body into fat burning stage. The following day the body receives carbs so it is never starved and will continue to burn. This process of manipulating your metabolism combined with exercise that also burns calories will result in (*hopefully*) quick losses of fat while keeping lean muscle.
          Every morning I begin the day with a breakfast of egg whites, turkey sausage and a veggie of some sort (broccoli or spinach) scrambled, along with a carb- usually sweet potato and onion home fries (no oil, just a little non-stick olive oil spray) or, like this morning, an apple with cinnamon.
          On low carb days, the remaining four "meals" consist of a protein and a fat, along with as much vegetables as you can stand. I am a pretty picky eater, so I can't stand many vegetables, haha.
          One of my favorite low carb meals is a dish I make with ground turkey, onion, diced tomatoes (no salt added), zucchini, and (sometimes) yellow squash. All together, with some salt, pepper, and lots of chili powder and cumin. YUMMO. I use a little bit of olive oil when I saute the onions, but otherwise it is very low in fat. I add some cheese to it for my "fat" portion of that meal. Snacks include non-fat greek yogurt mixed with natural PB and choc. protein powder (watch out for carbs in the protein powder! I have one that has 2g carbs and one that has 17g carbs) or canned tuna with onion and celery and full fat mayo. To be honest, I haven't gotten too creative with my low carb snacks because I am not a big fan of many vegetables. I could have raw squash with some chicken and ranch dressing. Or a spinach, tomato and ranch salad with some chicken. I need to do some experimenting. More often than not I just have a protein shake. Maybe some olives.
          On high carb days you have carbs and protein at every meal, but little to no fats. This is more difficult than it sounds. You have have whole wheat pasta, but no butter or tomato sauce that contains oil. Right now one of my fave lunches on a high carb day is a chicken, tomato and spinach sandwich with fat free mayo on whole wheat honey oat bread. Snacks can be strawberries and a protein shake, or cottage cheese with a few raisins and some Go Lean Crunch.
Currently I am only on my third day- my second low carb day- but so far so good. :-)
          For exercise Powell recommends doing what he calls "shapers"(squats, push ups, sit-ups, mountain climbers, etc) first thing in the morning on a low carb day (when you have energy from the carbs eaten the day before) and 30 minutes of HIIT 6 days a week. Due to the way my schedule is, I have decided on only of 5 days a week with a rest day Wednesdays (trivia night!) and Sundays.
          One of the best parts of Powell's plan is that once a week you have a "cheat" day where you can eat anything you want, as long as you strive to stay withing 2200 calories. My cheat day is Sundays.

So, I don't weight in until Saturday, but I feel good so far. Ask again in a week or so. :-)
          My starting weight at the beginning of this new plan was 312.6lbs. Considering that means I only gained 5lbs over Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm not too upset with that. I am still 25lbs down from my highest weight that I was at this time in 2013 before I began Ideal Protein.
          When I think of my life towards the end of IP- my size, my accomplishments, how happy I was in September and October of 2013- I want to get back there.  The fact that I let myself go- again - makes me mad. It makes me sad. The fact that -again- I let something out of my control completely shatter my heart and sense of self when I had worked so hard to get it back after the last time, makes me mad and sad. And embarrassed. but those are all feelings that I need to give up to God.
          I was reading The 7 Secrets of Confession by Vinny Flynn and one of the things Flynn talks about is forgiveness- obviously. Confession is all about forgiveness. Asking for it and recieving it. (Christianity is ALL about forgiveness, but thats a whole other post.) But one thing we all too often forget is to forgive ourselves. We make mistakes. We let emotions lead us down paths that God would not have wanted for us, and many times we go to Him and ask for forgivness, but we cannot forgive ourselves. When in the Bible it says

"If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained."(John 20:23)

perhaps it isn't jut about a preist's power to offer absolution on behalf of God, but about our own ability and need to forgive ourselves.

          I can eat right and I can exercise, but until I properly forgive myself and offer up my pain to God, the chains I carry will show up on the scale.

          So here is my goal, unrealistic perhaps, but here it is regardless. I want to fit in my size 16 jeans when I go to Europe. That would mean I need to lose about 50lbs by then. 10lbs/mo should not be impossible for me, but it will be difficult. With hard work, determination and lots and lots of prayer, anything is possible.
  

Oh, This Is The Start Of Something Hard

          So in my last post I revealed my starting weight and how excited I was to start this new leg of my life-long journey. I weighed in at 307.6 lbs. Usually the first week of any new diet I tend to lose a good chunk (mostly water and sugars) and it helps motivate and propel me forward. This time was different. When I weighed in the following Tuesday I had gained 2 lbs. GAINED . To be fair and honest, I was totally off plan Saturday and Sunday, but to gain two pounds would have meant that I lost, say, 3lbs and really gained 5 in two days??? That just doesn't make sense. I was so disappointed Tuesday, it was difficult to stick to it, and I have been having trouble ever since. I did weigh in again last Saturday, informally, and weighed 306.something. So my hope is that perhaps something weird was going on in my body related to my cycle and now I will go back to losing? maybe? Eating well all the time is hard. It takes a lot of planning and effort, which I don't like having to do. haha. But I also know that in the looong run it is so important.
          Recently I have been thinking about sin. Well, I am always thinking about sin. But, recently I have been thinking about sin specific to me and to my weight and to my struggles. I can admit that I have two MAIN struggles that lead me into mortal sin- LUST and GLUTTONY. So often, sometimes daily, I find myself in the throes of sin and I do my best to struggle and overcome it. I beg God for His mercy and His help, but yet there is that little part of me that knows I will sin again. We are all broken people. We are all sinners. But God also tells us that we can overcome it, with His grace and with practice, we CAN overcome it. The main question is, do we even want to?
          If I am speaking honestly, and you can assume I will always do my best to speak honestly on this blog, there are times when I don't want to overcome my sin. There is a comfort in the sin. There is a comfort in eating far too much food. There is comfort in committing impure acts. In both cases it is a matter of pretending you are not alone- feeling like something fills you up and satisfies you. But both of these things do not full you up. They do not fill me up. They leave me feeling empty and separated from God. I know in my heart that the only way to truly be satisfied to to be filled up with God. As St. Augustine says "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You." And yet- I can't give it up.
          This week the St. Anne cluster of parishes is hosting a retreat with seminars on "detaching with love". Fr. Emmerich Vogt, a Benedictine Priest and wonderful speaker, is giving the talks at St. Mary's in Baltic and St. Joseph's in Occum. The main idea is to learn to trust God in a way that we see that by dying to our selves and taking up our crosses we can find true freedom in Him. Fr. Emmerich says that many people don't give up their misery because they are afraid they will be miserable. I know that is true for me. I hate sinning and offending God, but my body is wired in such a way that I like to sin and in a way I am afraid that being pure will be boring and miserable. In my heart I know I am far better with God and that earthly pleasure is nothing compared to eternity with Him. And yet I cannot break these chains. Instead, I cling to them. I cuddle with them. How am I, a woman who wants so badly to be close to God consistently and not as erratically as I am now, able to overcome this? I hope Fr. Emmerich will teach us just that in the next couple of days.
          I know that not one actually reads this blog, and really even this is a self indulgence- but if someone DOES read this blog- please pray for me?

Oh, This Is The Start Of Something Good

          I mentioned in one of my recent posts the importance of using the 21 day fix as a tool and not an actual fix. 21 days will not fix my life long habits and addictions, but it is certainly a start.
I began the program Tuesday and so far I love it! To be fair, I am not following it exactly 100% because I don't think I could do that for looong periods of time, so I am doing a slightly modified version. Really, the only thing that is different is that I use butter now and then on my winter squashes. :-) Also, by doing a modified version I had a non-scale victory when I went to MOE's for dinner (instead of eating at the bar I play trivia at that had no "healthy" choices) and ordered a Joey Jr on a whole wheat tortilla with extra chicken, LOTS of pico, a little shredded cheese and sour cream. While I wasn't able to figure out exactly how to count it, I know I got in a nice amount of protein, the tortilla probably counted as two yellow (carb) containers and I tried to get my veggies in with the pico. It was delicious and was a MUCH better choice than I would have made before starting this program.
          What I love about the program is that it is teaching me the proper portions and the propers amount of what to eat throughout the day. I haven't been able to get in the right amount of veggies yet- but I am working on it. :-) Thats sort of the whole point here- I could be eating all of the terrible stuff I was before and go an entire week without eating any veggies, or I can follow their plan to the best of my abilities and get full on fruits and veggies and lean proteins and yogurt and protein shakes.
          The other part of their program that I have modified is the fitness portion. The 21 Day Fix comes with 6 work outs on dvds for you to do everyday of the 21 days (one work out a day, rotated). I have decided that for me it is best to focus on the food first, so this first week all I am doing just that. Next week I will introduce a fitness program. I am interested to try out the dvds, although I am a little nervous! I actually have a goal next year of participating in a walking pilgramage (I will write more about that at a future date) so my training program will focused around getting in shape for that.
          Now for my starting weight-
          On Tuesday September 25th, 2014 I weighed in a stagering 307.6 pounds. This is still nearly 30 pounds less than my highest weight ever of 336, but I had hoped to never climb over 300 again once I did Ideal Protein. I am hoping for a big loss in the first week as I drop all those extra sugars and water that my body holds onto while I am binge eating terrible foods, but I also want to keep it in perspective. If It isn't a huge loss, that's okay. The point is I am making better choices for my body and in long run I will be much better off.
          This weekend my sister and I are hosting a ladies night at our house and you can bet  I will not be on plan for that, although I will probably eat light early in the day so that I can eat more of the heavy foods in the evening. Also, this is not something that happens all the time, so it isn't a temptaion that will pop up every week or several times a week. It is one of those things that when it comes up, I am going to enjoy the fatty, salty, sweet deliciousness that is before me, and then sunday I eat clean again.    :-)
                   On a much more somber note- I ask that anyone who reads this says a prayer for two members of the clergy in our diocese and their families. Deacon James Delaney passed away September 25th, may he rest in peace. Also, Father Nick Mukama Mboga's mother is gravely ill all the way in the African country from which Fr. Nick hails. (Forgive me for not knowing exactly where he is from.) It is my understanding that he will be taking a leave of abscense to be with his family durring this difficult time. Please pray for Fr. Nick, his mother, and all of his family, that God may grant them the grace to accept His will and healing for their hearts.

Getting To Know God

Recently on The Catholic Guy podcast (#181) a wise seminarian said something to the effect of "If you were trying to get to know your future spouse and you only spent one hour once a week with them, you wouldn't get to know them on a very deep level. The same is true for God." If we only go to church on Sunday, but we don't delve into the Scripture or we don't go to Adoration or confession or any number of the wonderful ways in which we can connect with Our Lord, how will we ever get to know Him?
In the last few weeks I have been feeling distant from Him. I try to go to mass as often as I can, but the reality is that I rush to get there, we go through the mass and then I have to leave right away. You can kiss your spouse every day, but if you don't talk to them, that isn't much of a marriage, is it? And sure, I can talk to Jesus all day long throughout the day, but there is a difference (at least for me) when I am in His presence.
I need to be with him more.
I complain now and then that our diocese doesn't do enough to help the parishioners form their relationship with Christ. One of these things is that while many parishes hold Eucharistic Adoration every Friday (some only on the first Friday), it is usually during the day when  most people are working. It is obvious from mass attendance and attendance of these activities that many older, retired people are still active in The Church, but how can we get our young people to form a relationship with Him when we make it so difficult for them to participate? The same goes for Confession. Don't even get me started on the need for more confessional availability. In the end though I know that it comes down to us- the laity. WE ARE THE CHURCH. If we see a need, we need to somehow fill it. So, for me that means I have to seek out these things for myself. I am very blessed that in our diocese we have the Franciscan Friars of The Immaculate who hold perpetual Adoration in their chapel.

Often when I say to myself "I wish we had Adoration more often!" that little voice in my heart says "The Franciscans..." and I say "But it's so out of the way!" and then that little voice chastises me and says "Is Jesus ever actually too out of the way?!" And it's true. SO. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to go to mass as often as possible, but also to get up to Griswold and sit with Jesus at least once a week. Date night, I think I'll call it. ;-)

GGOOOOOAAALLLLLLS

Goals.
We can talk about what we want to do in this life all we want, but unless we set specific goals and create a plan with which to reach them, we will never achieve them.

I mentioned in my post 1 Corinthians 6:19 some of my goals which include running a mile, climbing a mountain and eventually wearing my goal jeans, which are a size 16. The issue is, how will I do it? I can talk all day about how all I need to do is watch what I eat and track it and with calories in versus calories out, and I will lose weight. That is all true, but I also need something specific. A specific plan. So, with the help of my cousin, who happens to be a coach for Beach Body, I have decided to do the 21 Day Fix with Shakeology.

Since doing Ideal Protein I am well versed in how to be creative with veggies to make really
delicious meals without refined sugars. This is a skill I had hoped to keep regularly implemented in my life, but was pushed aside for the delicious but deadly and addicting too-many-carbs, too-much-fat, overly-chemically-preserved and generally terrible for you, fast foods. I know, and I have said time and time again, that I need to get away from that junk and get strict with only eating whole foods. At the same time, I don't want to be on such a restrictive diet that I can't enjoy a cookie or a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine. My issue is that it will not be ONE cookie, or ONE piece of chocolate or ONE glass of wine. The 21 Day Fix is just the tool I need to remind me of healthy eating practices, perfect portions for what my body needs, and to remind me how to be creative in order to get what you want. With the 21 Day Fix I can have chocolate chip oatmeal for breakfast, so long as the ingredients fit in the proper containers and I am using dark chocolate. If you want to learn more about the 21 Day Fix you can check out THIS review (it might be sponsored, but it's very helpful) can give you a really great overview of the program.

You can be sure what once I get all of the stuff and start the program I will also give you my honest opinion about it! Usually the program is $80 and one month's worth of Shakeology is $130, but in the month of September they are having a promotion where you get the program AND the month of Shakeology for $140, so basically the 21 Day Fix is $10. It comes with their workbooks, eating plans, containers AND 6 workout DVDs. That's a pretty sweet deal.

I feel like I should reiterate that I think the 21 Day Fix is an awesome tool to help me get more organized and back in the habit of healthy, balanced eating. It is not an actual fix. What it is, is an awesome stepping stone to lead me from one bank of a turbulent river to the other. From death to life. In just the same way that Ideal Protein was an amazing blessing in my life at the time, in the end it was up to me to continue eating well and exercising and my lack of continued discipline is what allowed me to get so lost. The 21 Day Fix will help me to get back in routine, and hopefully, with the grace of God, I have learned my lesson and won't waste this opportunity to change my life for good.

My other goal, as I have mentioned in the last few posts, is to seek out the man that God intends to be my spouse. I definitely feel Him pulling me in a particular direction to find him, but to hedge my bets I am also officially signing up for Match.com. I already have a profile and some pictures up, but later in the month my sister and I are hosting a ladies night with our friends so that THEY can write our profiles. It's always better for our friends to help us with these things as they tend to see our good and can more easily articulate them than we can about ourselves.

Stephie needs adventure. This is where I start.

Dear St. Anthony, I Think My Husband Is Lost.....

Nearly all Catholics, and even many non-Catholics, know of St. Anthony and his amazing skill at helping us find lost things.

Tony, Tony,

look around.
Something's lost
and must be found!

In my case the lost thing is my husband. Oh where, of where for art thou Romeo? Perhaps Anthony can help me find him? One of my Tumblr friends, Marial, suggested we do a novena to the saint asking for his assistance. This is something that I have been contemplating for several weeks, so I took her suggestion as the little push I needed to go ahead and do it.
There are many, many saints that we single Catholics can go to for guidance and friendship in prayer regarding finding the right spouse. Of course, my go-to (and everyone's, I think) is Jesus. He tells me, and I feel it in my heart, that ultimately He is my husband. He loves me more and better than any human man could love me, and He is an excellent provider. But knowing my heart, He also knows how badly I want a lifelong male companion to share life's joys and sorrows with. To share marital bonds and embraces with. To create and raise children with. These are things that He cannot do for me, but He tells me He has someone in mind. Who, He will not say!
Other than going directly to Our Lord, we can also look to St. Joseph, Mary's "most chaste spouse" to pray and make suggestions of good and worthy men or women on our behalf. Or Our Holy Mother, Herself. Every mother wants to see her children married off to good and holy people! Or St. Rafael, who is credited with bringing Tobias and Sarah together at God's command.
We tend to ask our friends and family if they know anyone who might be good for us, so too should we ask our friends and family in heaven!

My main goal through this novena is to ask for St. Anthony's help in prayer, but also to listen to him and to God as they direct my way.
What does He need me to do in order to get from point A to point B?
And how am I supposed to do it?

Maybe it's not my husband who is lost... maybe it's me?

Finding Love Is A Great Adventure

A great adventure that I am so, so scared of.

In September of 2011 I posted the following "note" to Facebook:

Society makes me mad and the Biggest Loser made me notice it.

Today Stop and Shop was crawling with hotties. Especially this one in particular who was wearing a Red Sox hat and a "man sweater". I would have married him right there in the aisle. But alas, I didn't say a word. And to be fair in my peripheral vision I thought he was an old man, but as he was walking away I noticed his beauty. I fantasized about how I would tell him I like his Man Sweater and he would look at me strange, but smile. He would find something interesting about my quirkiness and go out on a limb to ask me out. After all, he's been lonely lately and is over the bar scene, so why not spend a couple hours with the big girl he met at the grocery store. what could it hurt.

But anxieties being what they are I would have never said a word to him. Even if he noticed me, he might not have said anything either.
On the biggest loser tonight there is a 24 year old girl who said something along the lines of "I can't be in love at this weight". and a 26 year old guy who said he can't have adult relationships because of his weight. What is wrong with us?
The girl is a pretty girl. and sure, she's fat, but she not disgusting. There are men out there who could love her. And the guy- he's big. He's nearly 400lbs. But he's cute. and from what I've seen he's cool. So why wouldn't a girl want to be in a relationship with him?
Here I am, knowing that I'm in the same boat as them. But the thing is, if a guy was interested in me/ her, or a girl in him then they should ask me(her/him) out! and I should do the same. Why are we so terrified of rejection? What does it matter in the long run if bobbyjoe says no? it doesn't. If anything (hopefully) it makes us stronger.
I should know better.
When you like someone and you want to see where it goes, you can't wait. Because tomorrow might not come. and you can't wonder forever what might have been if you had been brave/funny/skinny. You are YOU. and someone who is worthy of you will LOVE YOU. But you might face a little rejection as you figure out who is worthy of you. The same goes for the handsome guys who have nothing to lose by asking me/her out. Take a chance on us. you never know.
P.S. Maybe you handsome/pretty people suffer from low self-esteem too, so you think we will say no. we might. try anyway. ;-)

It's been three years since that post, and yet just the other day this conversation happened on facebook with my friend (and creator of Ordinary) Timothy Quigley:

Steph:  Super hot guy in stop & shop. I mean, what's a girl to do? "I see your looking at the pasta, I like pasta...." or "hey. I like your beard." or perhaps just walk away. Yea... prob option 3

Tim: Just say hello and introduce yourself. We don't mind

Steph: Really? Like in TOTAL honestly, if a girl was standing in the same aisle as you and introduced herself you wouldn't think that was strange? (if you weren't married) and then what? What do people standing in the aisle talk about? What if he's like "look girl I'm just trying to buy some sketties. Get off my balls."??

Tim: I'll have a conversation with anyone. Granted not all guys are like me and when I can tell a girl feels awkward I do my best to make up for it and make her feel comfortable. Even now that I'm married, I figure it's always good to be polite and treat a lady as a person who matters, even if we're never going to see each other again.
and if the guy did respond like you said, that answers the question in the back of your mind whether he's a good dude.

Steph: haha true

Tim: break the conventions; keep the commandments. As long as your are not doing anything immoral, favor the bold option.

I am looking for adventure. Am I not?
My friend Tim is right.

Break the conventions; keep the commandments.   

As long as your are not doing anything immoral,  

favor the bold option.

My biggest obstacle with this is overcoming my own insecurities. How do I do that? How do I accept that many men will not want to date me because of my weight, but at the same time accept that those are not the kind of men that God wants me to date? How do I actually believe that good men, the kind of men I want to date could even possibly be interested in me? How do I put myself out there and accept rejection with a smile on my face and a prayer for the other person on my heart?

Again and again and again it comes down to what my friends tell me. 

Be bold.
Be not afraid.