Finding Love Is A Great Adventure

A great adventure that I am so, so scared of.

In September of 2011 I posted the following "note" to Facebook:

Society makes me mad and the Biggest Loser made me notice it.

Today Stop and Shop was crawling with hotties. Especially this one in particular who was wearing a Red Sox hat and a "man sweater". I would have married him right there in the aisle. But alas, I didn't say a word. And to be fair in my peripheral vision I thought he was an old man, but as he was walking away I noticed his beauty. I fantasized about how I would tell him I like his Man Sweater and he would look at me strange, but smile. He would find something interesting about my quirkiness and go out on a limb to ask me out. After all, he's been lonely lately and is over the bar scene, so why not spend a couple hours with the big girl he met at the grocery store. what could it hurt.

But anxieties being what they are I would have never said a word to him. Even if he noticed me, he might not have said anything either.
On the biggest loser tonight there is a 24 year old girl who said something along the lines of "I can't be in love at this weight". and a 26 year old guy who said he can't have adult relationships because of his weight. What is wrong with us?
The girl is a pretty girl. and sure, she's fat, but she not disgusting. There are men out there who could love her. And the guy- he's big. He's nearly 400lbs. But he's cute. and from what I've seen he's cool. So why wouldn't a girl want to be in a relationship with him?
Here I am, knowing that I'm in the same boat as them. But the thing is, if a guy was interested in me/ her, or a girl in him then they should ask me(her/him) out! and I should do the same. Why are we so terrified of rejection? What does it matter in the long run if bobbyjoe says no? it doesn't. If anything (hopefully) it makes us stronger.
I should know better.
When you like someone and you want to see where it goes, you can't wait. Because tomorrow might not come. and you can't wonder forever what might have been if you had been brave/funny/skinny. You are YOU. and someone who is worthy of you will LOVE YOU. But you might face a little rejection as you figure out who is worthy of you. The same goes for the handsome guys who have nothing to lose by asking me/her out. Take a chance on us. you never know.
P.S. Maybe you handsome/pretty people suffer from low self-esteem too, so you think we will say no. we might. try anyway. ;-)

It's been three years since that post, and yet just the other day this conversation happened on facebook with my friend (and creator of Ordinary) Timothy Quigley:

Steph:  Super hot guy in stop & shop. I mean, what's a girl to do? "I see your looking at the pasta, I like pasta...." or "hey. I like your beard." or perhaps just walk away. Yea... prob option 3

Tim: Just say hello and introduce yourself. We don't mind

Steph: Really? Like in TOTAL honestly, if a girl was standing in the same aisle as you and introduced herself you wouldn't think that was strange? (if you weren't married) and then what? What do people standing in the aisle talk about? What if he's like "look girl I'm just trying to buy some sketties. Get off my balls."??

Tim: I'll have a conversation with anyone. Granted not all guys are like me and when I can tell a girl feels awkward I do my best to make up for it and make her feel comfortable. Even now that I'm married, I figure it's always good to be polite and treat a lady as a person who matters, even if we're never going to see each other again.
and if the guy did respond like you said, that answers the question in the back of your mind whether he's a good dude.

Steph: haha true

Tim: break the conventions; keep the commandments. As long as your are not doing anything immoral, favor the bold option.

I am looking for adventure. Am I not?
My friend Tim is right.

Break the conventions; keep the commandments.   

As long as your are not doing anything immoral,  

favor the bold option.

My biggest obstacle with this is overcoming my own insecurities. How do I do that? How do I accept that many men will not want to date me because of my weight, but at the same time accept that those are not the kind of men that God wants me to date? How do I actually believe that good men, the kind of men I want to date could even possibly be interested in me? How do I put myself out there and accept rejection with a smile on my face and a prayer for the other person on my heart?

Again and again and again it comes down to what my friends tell me. 

Be bold.
Be not afraid.

Stephie Needs Adventure

Yes. Yes She does.
I struggle between trying to confirm to societal standards and being a free spirit.
I'm weird. Its probably better that I embrace it and live the most amazing weird life ever.
Other Twenty-somethings can judge me from their shabby apartment that they struggle to keep the lights on while I explore the world and praise God and eat amazing food.
"What the heck is she even talking about?" you may ask. Let me tell you:

Guten Tag, my name is Stephanie Gromko and I am in need of an adventure.

I am twenty eight years old; I am single; I have a full time job; I am a devout Catholic. By most standards, I am a competent and well adjusted adult. However, I live with my parents. This fact has been a thorn in my side, a source of shame and regret. I feel, and many other people have expressed that they feel, that in order for me to qualify as a "grown-ass-woman" I need to move out of my parents house and get an apartment. I also feel this way, which is why my need for adventure is such a struggle. When I was 22 years old I had the chance to move out and live in a beautiful three bedroom duplex with one of my best friends for four whole months, but then I made some *disastrous* financial mistakes that landed me back at mom and dad's and I have been climbing out of that money pit for the last 6 years. Now I am finally at a point where I am financially stable enough to move out again and join the "real world". Here is my dilemma- I seek adventure in the great wide somewhere... somewhere being Europe.

I am a budget nerd. I love to budget! Being a budget nerd is what helped me get out of my mess. It is also how I know I could move out right now and be just fine. BUT it is ALSO how I know that if I move out right now, I will never save enough money to go to Europe. My current budget leaves me with anywhere between $30 to $200 extra for savings each month, depending on whether I get overtime hours. Generally speaking, it is better to assume I will not be able to save any more than $50 a month. At that rate it will take me over 6 years to save the four thousand dollars the trip will cost. I pray to God that within six years I am married and starting a family, and so the dream of taking off to Europe for three weeks will have gone out the window as my priorities change from eating pierogi in Krakow and attending mass in Rome to buying diapers and saving for college. However, if I postpone moving out for just eight months, I can save seven thousand dollars. Four thousand will be used for the trip of a lifetime, and three thousand will be used to start my new "grown-ass-woman" life.

In November I will celebrate my 29th birthday- the beginning of the thirtieth year of my life- and I had certainly hoped to be out on my own by then, but now I ponder how much regret I will have if I don't take this trip. Will I regret eight more months at home? Probably not. I am sure it will go by in the blink of an eye. Will I regret moving out just to prove something to people whom I actually have nothing to prove? Yes. But- do I have something to prove to myself? Yes. I must prove to myself that I am my own person. I am God's person, and my life does not need to be lived by anyone's standards but His. We are given this one life. We are called to love Him and each other. and we are called time and time and time again to BE NOT AFRAID. So, what am I afraid of? That people will say unkind things about me while I live the most amazing and blessed life that God could give me? I am not talking about mooching off of my parents for the rest of my earthly life- I am talking about eight months to fulfill a dream.

I think I'm going to do it.

I'm going to Europe.