Getting To Know God

Recently on The Catholic Guy podcast (#181) a wise seminarian said something to the effect of "If you were trying to get to know your future spouse and you only spent one hour once a week with them, you wouldn't get to know them on a very deep level. The same is true for God." If we only go to church on Sunday, but we don't delve into the Scripture or we don't go to Adoration or confession or any number of the wonderful ways in which we can connect with Our Lord, how will we ever get to know Him?
In the last few weeks I have been feeling distant from Him. I try to go to mass as often as I can, but the reality is that I rush to get there, we go through the mass and then I have to leave right away. You can kiss your spouse every day, but if you don't talk to them, that isn't much of a marriage, is it? And sure, I can talk to Jesus all day long throughout the day, but there is a difference (at least for me) when I am in His presence.
I need to be with him more.
I complain now and then that our diocese doesn't do enough to help the parishioners form their relationship with Christ. One of these things is that while many parishes hold Eucharistic Adoration every Friday (some only on the first Friday), it is usually during the day when  most people are working. It is obvious from mass attendance and attendance of these activities that many older, retired people are still active in The Church, but how can we get our young people to form a relationship with Him when we make it so difficult for them to participate? The same goes for Confession. Don't even get me started on the need for more confessional availability. In the end though I know that it comes down to us- the laity. WE ARE THE CHURCH. If we see a need, we need to somehow fill it. So, for me that means I have to seek out these things for myself. I am very blessed that in our diocese we have the Franciscan Friars of The Immaculate who hold perpetual Adoration in their chapel.

Often when I say to myself "I wish we had Adoration more often!" that little voice in my heart says "The Franciscans..." and I say "But it's so out of the way!" and then that little voice chastises me and says "Is Jesus ever actually too out of the way?!" And it's true. SO. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to go to mass as often as possible, but also to get up to Griswold and sit with Jesus at least once a week. Date night, I think I'll call it. ;-)

Finding Love Is A Great Adventure

A great adventure that I am so, so scared of.

In September of 2011 I posted the following "note" to Facebook:

Society makes me mad and the Biggest Loser made me notice it.

Today Stop and Shop was crawling with hotties. Especially this one in particular who was wearing a Red Sox hat and a "man sweater". I would have married him right there in the aisle. But alas, I didn't say a word. And to be fair in my peripheral vision I thought he was an old man, but as he was walking away I noticed his beauty. I fantasized about how I would tell him I like his Man Sweater and he would look at me strange, but smile. He would find something interesting about my quirkiness and go out on a limb to ask me out. After all, he's been lonely lately and is over the bar scene, so why not spend a couple hours with the big girl he met at the grocery store. what could it hurt.

But anxieties being what they are I would have never said a word to him. Even if he noticed me, he might not have said anything either.
On the biggest loser tonight there is a 24 year old girl who said something along the lines of "I can't be in love at this weight". and a 26 year old guy who said he can't have adult relationships because of his weight. What is wrong with us?
The girl is a pretty girl. and sure, she's fat, but she not disgusting. There are men out there who could love her. And the guy- he's big. He's nearly 400lbs. But he's cute. and from what I've seen he's cool. So why wouldn't a girl want to be in a relationship with him?
Here I am, knowing that I'm in the same boat as them. But the thing is, if a guy was interested in me/ her, or a girl in him then they should ask me(her/him) out! and I should do the same. Why are we so terrified of rejection? What does it matter in the long run if bobbyjoe says no? it doesn't. If anything (hopefully) it makes us stronger.
I should know better.
When you like someone and you want to see where it goes, you can't wait. Because tomorrow might not come. and you can't wonder forever what might have been if you had been brave/funny/skinny. You are YOU. and someone who is worthy of you will LOVE YOU. But you might face a little rejection as you figure out who is worthy of you. The same goes for the handsome guys who have nothing to lose by asking me/her out. Take a chance on us. you never know.
P.S. Maybe you handsome/pretty people suffer from low self-esteem too, so you think we will say no. we might. try anyway. ;-)

It's been three years since that post, and yet just the other day this conversation happened on facebook with my friend (and creator of Ordinary) Timothy Quigley:

Steph:  Super hot guy in stop & shop. I mean, what's a girl to do? "I see your looking at the pasta, I like pasta...." or "hey. I like your beard." or perhaps just walk away. Yea... prob option 3

Tim: Just say hello and introduce yourself. We don't mind

Steph: Really? Like in TOTAL honestly, if a girl was standing in the same aisle as you and introduced herself you wouldn't think that was strange? (if you weren't married) and then what? What do people standing in the aisle talk about? What if he's like "look girl I'm just trying to buy some sketties. Get off my balls."??

Tim: I'll have a conversation with anyone. Granted not all guys are like me and when I can tell a girl feels awkward I do my best to make up for it and make her feel comfortable. Even now that I'm married, I figure it's always good to be polite and treat a lady as a person who matters, even if we're never going to see each other again.
and if the guy did respond like you said, that answers the question in the back of your mind whether he's a good dude.

Steph: haha true

Tim: break the conventions; keep the commandments. As long as your are not doing anything immoral, favor the bold option.

I am looking for adventure. Am I not?
My friend Tim is right.

Break the conventions; keep the commandments.   

As long as your are not doing anything immoral,  

favor the bold option.

My biggest obstacle with this is overcoming my own insecurities. How do I do that? How do I accept that many men will not want to date me because of my weight, but at the same time accept that those are not the kind of men that God wants me to date? How do I actually believe that good men, the kind of men I want to date could even possibly be interested in me? How do I put myself out there and accept rejection with a smile on my face and a prayer for the other person on my heart?

Again and again and again it comes down to what my friends tell me. 

Be bold.
Be not afraid.

1 Corinthians 6:19

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of

the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from

God, and that you are not your own?"

In January of 2013 I felt stuck. Stuck in the endless cycle of addiction, shame, and low-self worth- all of which I tried to self medicate with that which I was addicted to.
Food.
I should say AM addicted to.
In January of 2013 I could barely walk without pain. My blood pressure was through the roof. I lost my breath halfway up the stairs. I was depressed. I was lost. I cried out to God for help and he responded in the quiet of my heart with a simple Go to mass. Really? Go to mass? How could that possibly help? Go to mass he continued to insist. The following Sunday I made excuses as to why I couldn't make it on time- mostly simply by lying in my bed and watching the time pass. Once it was clear that I was going to miss the final morning mass I got out of bed and began my day. Go to mass rang in the back of my mind all day as I was reminded that there was a 5PM mass at our Cathedral. As the day went on I knew I had to follow His instruction and so I went.
"Lord, I am lost. I am stuck. I can barely breath. I need help! Please help me!" I prayed over and over.
The following week three different people mentioned to me a weight loss product they were using and having amazing results with- Ideal Protein.
I had done some research on IP many months before and had decided that it was far too expensive for my budget (budget nerd!). Now that it popped up again, I decided to give it a second look. Lo and behold! Somehow it all seemed to fit. Yes- it was still extremely expensive, but somehow it fit. I went back to Church the following Sunday to pray about it some more and to thank God for the opportunity.
February 2013 I began a new leg of my ever-ongoing weight loss journey, this time using Ideal Protein. I weighed in a 336.6 lbs. I was a size 22 and spilling over all of my clothes. I should have been wearing a 24. Over the course of the next 7 months I followed the program, relying not on my own strength, but God's to get me through and I lost over 75lbs. You can watch my transformation HERE if you are interested. :-)
But now what. Now where am I, now that is has been a year since the glory days of squeezing into a size 16?

 Here are the before-and-afters from IP- 75lbs difference:

Here is me in the same size outfit today:

Size 18 jeans, size XL t-shirt.

Yea... about that....
So now what?

What do I do now that I have, seemingly, wasted this opportunity that God gave me?

Try, try again.

Does my failure to keep the weight off make me any less a child of God, a bride of Christ? Nope.

True failure is not found in he who falls, but he who chooses to not get back up.
So I will put it in His hands. And I will ask Our Mother, Undoer of knots to pray for me. And I will be a budget nerd. :-)
Calories in vs. calories out.
I will also make goals- some weight goals to help mark progress, but mostly physical goals. Can I run a half mile? Can I run a WHOLE mile??? can I climb a mountain? Can I fit in those size 18 jeans again? Can if squeeze back into the 16s?!?! The weight needs to come off to accomplish these things, but more importantly, I want to eat better and exercise more forever, not just until I reach a certain goal. If you would like, you are more than welcome to add me on MyFitnessPal Stephieneedsadventure
Since that first whisper to Go to mass I am glad to say I haven't missed a Sunday since. I actually try to go to mass everyday when I can. This sort of hunger for God is the kind of hunger I need for a better lifestyle. It will be hard. I wont love every second of it, haha. But it will be worth it.
Adventure starts at home.
and in the gym.
and in the kitchen.